redam hati

i feel very gloomy today.. just dont really know why.. but since the last few days i started to feel this way. lonely & sad. not to mention..like a loser!


Toh Puan Tini Joe is right.. maybe it's about time to cry, so just cry ur heart out! *thanx, joe darling!


abang said i think too much. precisely, i'm not in a state of mind now!


... i'm 29 goin on 30. but yet there's nothing neither in myself nor my life that i can b proud of. no, i'm proud to have abang, erin & yani! urm.. but still nothing about myself! sumtimes i miss my hey-days, but i'm not regret leaving it behind. some people said i've changed.. physically *sigh*, mentally & the lifestyle. yup, they are totally right. i changed a lot. no more hot "who's that girl?". no more sexy thingy. no more "party like a star". I've been travellin' on this road too long. Just try to find my way back home. the old me is dead and gone. i only try to turn over a new leaf. good girl gone bad & now struggling to be a good girl again!
(it's not that very-easy-stuff ok! yes it is sooo true that the 1st step is often the hardest)


i got sooo many negative responses to/about me trying to become a good girl (again) after some havoc & sinful years. i got only a few peeps who really encourage me to be stronger & really guide me to put my life back on track. *thanx sooo much abang, erin & adik. really love you, guys!


i think this is a part of learning in my life. the synchronization of trust and honesty, love and hate, good and bad & bla-bla-bla. please don't get me wrong.. what i feel now is nothing to do with my marriage. Alhamdulillah, me & abang is very deeply in love since our 1st met & the love is blooming still. hope it will last forever, insya Allah.


another part is some peeps out there like to judge me wrong. i always been underestimated just because i'm jobless (open your eyes wider... i'm a housewife ok!!).. is it wrong to be a fulltime housewife? NO! i may not as rich-as-hell as you but i love the reality of i-am-trying-to-be-a-good-wife to my kind-hearted husband. so, if you peeps can't understand that 'small' fact, just keep your bloody mouth shut & get a life ok! go fuck yourself up, moron!!


the worst part is : the sweet talkers & poseurs (who always talking bad about me behind my back). how fool i am to still 'keeping' these kind of people in my life! go away! leave me alone, jerks!!


life is weird, huh?! full of WHYs... i hope these sadness is only a matter of time *i really hate this kind of feeling!! but, i guess ALLAH still loves me... He would've just let me stumble to make me realize the beautiful colours of life...


***** abang, please help me to be strong, unbeaten & patience in this life of uncertainties and lies. i need you, abang!!